On being "successful"

Looking at those week-old pictures of the garden, it's hard to believe how much it has grown in just a week. It is even huger, bushier and more fruitful now than in those pictures. In fact, I do believe in about one week's time we should be eating some zucchini and tomatoes.

I have been doing really well at not driving lately. I've been walking distances up to about a mile and a half, and really enjoying it. I have been walking Elsie to swim lessons, walking to parks (even further away ones), and walking to the store. I've been taking the bus more, too. I don't think we drove all weekend, actually. We spent a lot of time at home getting work done, true, but we have really minimized our in-town driving. I think the last time I drove was sometime last week.

At Elsie's swimming lessons, I was chatting with another mom who had kids in class there. Through our various conversations, it became obvious that she was from...how shall I put this? Another socio-economic bracket (as they like to say at the Ed department at PSU. I guess it sounds a lot better than saying poor kids?) than we are. For example, her daughter goes to the private French-immersion preschool/K-8 school. Just out of curiosity, I looked up their tuition online and its a whopping $10,000 per year. So that means that they will spend $100,000 on their daughter's education before she even gets to high school! They have two kids, so do the math. You are looking at upwards of $400,000 before their kids are even in college.

Why do people spend so much money to get their child into a "better" private school? (I will discuss later about whether or not private schools really provide a better education than our public ones. Actually, we can discuss it now. No, they don't). I think people are compelled to spend huge amounts of money on their children because they really believe they are giving them a "leg up" in order to make them successful. I see people all over town wanting the "best" for their children, be this the latest gadget, or the expensive toddler music class (we got this music class for a Christmas present, and I was shocked to find that Elsie and one other boy were the only preschoolers in in the class. All the other kids were like 13 months old--babies! Why do parents think they need an expensive class for a baby to get a head start on music appreciation? bah!), the best private school, starting preschool at an early age, getting into a charter or magnet school, etc. But what is successful? For our children, or in life--how are we defining success?

Is it when our child gets into Harvard? Is the star athlete? The valedictorian? Wins the band competition? Gets a prestigious job? Makes a lot of money? Do we get to bask in their reflected glory?

I think these are the things a parent wants for a child usually without really asking why. For some reason talking to this mom last week, I had to stop and ask myself why. Why do they have a nanny, even when they are home? Why do they send their children to this extremely expensive private school where they learn an elite (but not very useful in America) language? Why do they live in the best neighborhood? Are their children on the fast-track to Princeton, whereas mine will have to "settle" for U of O (I mean, come on! At least go to OSU!) ? What do we really want for our children? What do I want for MY children?

When I stopped to consider this question, I reflexively answered "to be happy, of course!" As I'm sure pretty much any parent would. But I felt the need to go deeper. What if my child were happy never going to college, but working as a diesel mechanic? Would I consider my child a success at that point? I had to really stop and think, and I decided that yes, I would be happy about that. That I really don't care what my children choose to do, as long as they are truly happy. I mean, the real kind of happiness that so many Americans chase, but never seem to obtain.

And why do so many Americans continue to chase the elusive dream of happiness? I mean, its right there in our constitution. We are guaranteed the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness--not happiness itself. I really believe that the reason that so many Americans are miserable is that we have all--ALL--bought into the idea that material goods will make us happy. Even if we don't want to admit it. Deep down, it's there. We were raised with it. We were nursed at the teat of marketing and consumption. Nowhere does anyone say "Just be happy with what you have and who you are. Do it NOW. Just stop what you are doing and choose happiness in this moment." Just--stop. Stop trying to better everything. Stop trying to look a certain way, own a certain thing, get something done. Just be satisfied. Be completely satisfied with your life in this moment. It goes deeper than just defining success through material goods (and that includes money). The American definition of success and happiness rides entirely on things that are outside of yourself. Entirely on things in the external, physical realm (the good job, the nice house, the loving wife, the sweet car, the obedient children). Never on the simple act of just being. Just being who you are.

I am not a master of this mode of thinking, but I am trying. If my children can live that way, then I will KNOW that they have achieved true success, regardless of what circumstances their lives may take. When we stop the cycle of mindless consumerism, stop defining success and happiness as some kind of external thing that can be obtained (but hasn't been obtained yet!) we are setting our children up for true success, in a way that no $10,000 per year private school ever could.