Least updated blog ever

I'm just going to ramble here for awhile. I feel like I need to get some thoughts out, in no particular order. And its going to be a pity party, so excuse me for that.

After Jay got his new job in June, it seemed like the logical thing to do would be for me to stay home. I went to a few other job interviews--i think i went to 6 in total, and i was offered like 9 interviews in all. I didn't get any offers. I got told the same thing over and over: that i was an excellent candidate, a great teacher, but there was one other candidate who was a bit more qualified, or who used to work for the district and just came back, or whatever. Its no good being second best when there is only one job.

But I felt fine about it. Fall rolled around and I felt weird, like I have every year since student teaching, when i know everyone is getting back into their classrooms and here i sit...my career doing...something. I wonder if I'll be un-hireable next year because of the amount of time i've spent psuedo-working since getting my teaching license. I think about all the teachers getting their rooms ready, about all the students i had last year and wondering how they are adjusting.

But mostly I felt like substitute teaching was an easy gig. Its very easy, in fact. Its just not very rewarding. But for this year, with Emmett not even being 2 yet, and Elsie's co-op preschool being 3 days a week (and only 3 hours at a time), and all the logistics, me being a sub and mostly staying home with the kids seemed like a good way to go.

But so far, i've not been subbing at all. There is always something, some reason why I cant, or i just don't get calls (I havent been called nearly as much as i was last year from january-june when i subbed), or the kids are sick, or i'm sick, or childcare isn't available, or whatever. So i'm basically a stay at home parent since June, which I hadn't been since summer of '07 when Jay lost his job originally.

And it sucks. I'm hating it. The kids are hard to deal with, and its boring. its frustrating and i can't keep my temper. I feel like a failure as a parent. I'm tired of only meeting people's needs and never doing anything that's intellectually stimulating. I worry and worry that I won't get a job for next year, and that my teaching career will be over before its even begun. I worry that my teaching experience is going to hurt me, rather than help me. It seems like with teaching, its all about being in the right place at the right time, and I never am.

Winter is setting in, and i just feel trapped. Like there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. There is no escape from the constant whining, cleaning, demands and destruction of raising two little kids. I have no time and nothing to myself. I think about getting another job, but doing what? I wish i wasn't in a career where hiring ONLY happens once a year, and where every district wasn't laying people off and making massive cuts across the board. I feel like I need something, anything, besides this and i just cant think of what it could be.

I know i shouldn't feel this way, but I do: that everyone has something going on besides me. People are in school, people's careers are moving forward, people are hanging out with friends or doing projects on their house, people are going on nice vacations, people are having freedom of some kind and not spending every weekend feeling totally frustrated and tired of their kids' BS but not knowing what to do to escape them or get out of the house. I am sure that everyone has their own problems and that their lives aren't really any more exciting or fufilling than mine, but even as I type that, I can't help but feel that...yeah, they really are.

I know this is easier for now. Its simpler. It saves us money. It conserves our resources. It keeps us from being g0-go-go crazy, spending 3 hours a day in your car-type people. Next year, if I am teaching, life will be chaotic, hectic and stressful. We'll be juggling Elsie's kindergarten schedule, her after-school care schedule, my job and possible long commute (that is a sacrifice I may have to make in order to get a job next year), jay's job, and Emmett's daycare. Not to mention the fact that we plan to move this spring, and have no idea where we will live and where Elsie might go to school, in addition to not knowing where I will work. Thinking about all of that makes me feel like I should be greatful for my current schedule. I get to be there for my kids, not just in the evenings and weekends, but all the time. I don't have to worry about dropping off and picking up (except to take elsie to school 3 days a week, but its not conflicting with anything). I don't have to wonder about how much daycare and after school care is eating into my already fairly small paycheck.

I mean, isn't raising your children the most important "job" you can have? i know plenty of moms out there would kill to stay home with their kids but cant afford it or whatever. The grass is always greener. Yes, its simpler and i dont have the guilt of a working mom, but i have the guilt of a mom who is burned out, who yells at her kids too much, who feels bad that she doesn't enjoy being around them most of the time, who feel like she gets treated like a slave. I know i'm not doing "nothing" but i feel directionless, like my life has no meaning. And i have at least another 9 months to go before any kind of major change could theortically happen (and that's IF i get a teaching job next year). Sometimes i feel like "wow, i have so many possibilities of what i could do"...but that is rare. Rather than feeling like anything is possible and everything is wide open, i feel like nothing is going to happen.